


I'm Fine

by Restekel



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Langst, Mentions of Other Voltron Paladins, References to Depression, Sad, Sorry Not Sorry, audio fic, its a little sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 07:40:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15636240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Restekel/pseuds/Restekel
Summary: based on the audio 'I'm Fine' by Stiles StilinskiLance talking to Blue about his teammates, it gets kinda deep in the sadness.





	I'm Fine

**Author's Note:**

> In the part where theres actually talking, Lance is the normal speech, and the Blue lions speech is italicized

"I'm Fine-Stiles Stilinski

Lance is sitting in the cockpit of the Blue Lion, taking to her like he usually does when he messes up or needs to get away from his team mates.

"You know when your drowning you don't actually inhale until right before you black out."

Hurtful words wear you down after time, and Lance is drowning in them from his teammates, every time he makes a small mistake they belittle him, make him feel like he should just inject himself out the airlock, he's not important to the team, he's only a place holder for the real Blue Paladin.

"The instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your heads exploding."

He doesn't say anything, he doesn't want them to know how much he's drowning, how he's having a hard time fighting to live, he's unable to see the surface of the water anymore, he still doesn't release how he's feeling, he doesn't want to put the team in jeopardy with his problems, they have enough to deal with, with the galra, still, its not much longer until he needs to let it out.

"Then when you finally do let it in it's when it stops hurting."

He talks to Hunk, maybe his best friend could help, but he lets too much out, it flows, and he can't stop it. His friend asks if he's ok, he feels better, but...

"I'm fine."

He tells Hunk that he was only joking, and that he's fine, right? he has to be, he's fighting a god damn war for fucks sake, he has to be up on everything, he can't put all of his problems on his friends, they have all their own problems. Hunk asks again to make sure he's truly fine. Yeah he is.

"Yeah, aside from the not sleeping."

He doesn't tell anybody that he goes to the training arena at night, he needs to start pulling his own weight in Voltron, Allura and Shiro always tell him that he slacks off, it hurts, but it's true, he can't slack off in the middle of battle, it will only lead to somebody getting hurt, even if it's only with words.

"The jumpiness."

It's apart of the sleeping problem, he's less alert every time somebody asks him something or taps his shoulder, he might jump, or try and get away from the person, they chalk it off to him being a goofball, or not paying attention to the task at hand... it's partially true.

"The constant overwhelming crushing fear that something terrible is about to happen."

He waits for the alert to go off, they never really get a break, his bayard is always in reach, and his armour is always ready to put on at moments notice, he gets a crushing feeling after too long without anything, he's a light sleeper now, it helps to not be late, it helps not to get him in trouble with Allura, or anybody else, but he also wakes up at any small noise.

_"It's called hyper-vigilance."_

Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect activity. Hypervigilance may bring about a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion.

He looked it up the first time he explained his situation to Blue, she told him that he had Hyper-vigilance (He laughed, it fit perfectly, it even had his name in it.) yeah, maybe his anxiety has gone up since he's been to space, but he guesses that it's normal when your in a war.

_"The... persistent feeling of being under threat."_

Like he said, he's in a war, he's definitely going to feel like something is going to be a threat, heck even his shadow could be a threat, nothing surprises him anymore, not after the mermaids.

"It's not just a feeling though it's..."

It's having his lungs constrict until he wills himself to breath, he can't pass out while on a mission, or even in the castle, Keith will only call him dramatic, Coran and Hunk would freak out, he doesn't need to put that on anybody.

"It's like it's a panic attack."

But so much more, it hurts so fucking much, his heart is racing past normal speed, he's shaking so much he can't hold his rifle straight, his chest hurts to the point where he feels like it's going to burst.

"You know like I can't even breath."

Because he can't, his lungs freeze up every time it happens, he can't even fight his way out of it.

_"Like your drowning?"_

He's not underwater, but it sure as hell feels like he's drowning, he can't get any oxygen to his lungs, it the same thing, only he's a fish out of water.

"Yeah.."

He freezes.

_"So... If your drowning..."_

His lungs stop, he stops breathing.

_"And your trying to keep you mouth closed until that... very... last... moment."_

He won't let his team mates know that his head is under the water. He won't tell them his head is a storm that you can't even sail a boat on in fear of it crashing.

_"What if you choose to not open your mouth?"_

He can't he needs to keep as much air in as possible, he can't let them know he's hurting so. freaking. much.

_"To not let the water in."_

To not let his friends in, the less they know the better, they don't have to know that he's drowning, they don't have to know he feels worthless, that he shouldn't be on the team, that he slacks off.

"You do anyway it's a reflex."

But they already know, they're the first to tell him, even if it's subtle, but they still don't know he's drowning.

_"But... if you hold off...until that reflex kick in... you have more time, right?"_

Maybe one day they'll notice how much their words hurt, he only needs to hold it together, just be the same person, he can keep the air inside of him so he doesn't drown.

"Not much time."

He can't hold it in forever, he'll have to let it out at some point, either that, or he just lets the water take him.

_"But more time to fight your way to the surface."_

He only screws up, he can fight his way out, but it's harder, but it's possible, he only needs to train harder, goof off less, pay attention, and help out more. 

"I guess..."

It's possible, he can still save himself and his reputation, he'll just have to change everything about him, everything that connects him to his family, to home, he has to change, but he refuses, he won't let go of his family.

_"More time to be rescued."_

He want's them to know that he's hurting, that they're destroying him from the inside out, they only see a mistake, but hey, he only sees it too, he only sees that he's worthless, that he's the seventh wheel, something to be replaced.

"More time to be in agonizing pain, did you forget about the part where you feel like your head's exploding?"

It hurts to know they think so little of him, that they don't care that they're words cut deeper than the shots he's taken for his so called friends, he's protected them too many times to count, and all he gets is a 'you need to do better', they won't see it, they never will.

_"If it's about survival..."_

He has enough oxygen in his lungs to last to the end of the war, right? even if he doesn't, he has enough until they can find a replacement, or even see that he doesn't have enough.

_"Isn't... a little agony worth it?"_

It would be in the end, when he can go home, to people that love him, when he has Blue by his side, the only person in space that actually cares about him.

"What if it just gets worse?"

He won't be as great as Keith, he knew that from the Garrison, from how many times he was told to be like Keith, how his team mates break him down, word by word, how they ignore him, tell him to go away, they can only stand him for so long.

"What if it's agony now and then..."

It gets worse for him, he tries, he really does... But he still can't catch up, he can't fight as well as Shiro and Keith, he's not as smart as Pidge and Hunk, he can't connect to Allura and Coran, he only annoys them all, he doesn't fit in, he has nothing special to give, he can only lighten the mood, no he can't, he only does that to cope, but... it also makes the team het mad at him, only makes them want to distance themselves from him.

"Then it's just hell later on?"

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry.


End file.
